Self-Compassion
Many of us know how to take care of others but struggle to give ourselves the same grace that we do our loved ones. Part of the reason is that in many cultures, we are taught that focusing on ourselves is selfish or cocky, while focusing on others is noble. Another reason is that our brains are wired to have a negativity bias. We recognize and feel negative emotions more intensely than positive ones. We are also more likely to hold onto criticism than praise.
Self-talk
When turned inward, this negativity bias can take the form of negative self-talk, which can be especially damaging to our self-esteem. Consider for a moment how many times you have said something about yourself like, "why do I always do this?" "I suck" or "I'm such an idiot"? Now, how many times do you recall saying things like "I'm really proud of myself," "I'm great at my job," or "I deserve this"? We tend to recognize and scold ourselves for what we do wrong much more often than applaud our successes.
Having self-compassion starts with paying attention to how we treat ourselves.
As an exercise, take one day and try to count how many times you say something to shame yourself. The next day, when you notice that negative self-talk, try to replace the criticism with something affirming. This doesn't mean you need to be disingenuous about it. Even the change from saying "I'm so stupid" to "oops, I made a mistake" is a positive shift.
Self-care
Having self-compassion also means taking care of yourself (mind, body, emotions). It's easy to say that we are busy, or that we are too overwhelmed by taking care of others, but there are ways that each of us can adopt healthier habits.
If you were responsible for raising a child, would you feed that child the same foods you eat? Would you limit their screen time and make sure they had a consistent bed time? Would you apply sunscreen when they went outside, but not to yourself? Would you console them when they cried but shove your own emotions down? If you are treating yourself differently than you would a loved one, why? What is one thing you can change to be more compassionate toward yourself?
Self-awareness
It's hard to have self-compassion when you don't know yourself well. What are your values? What are your strengths of character? What are your triggers and pet peeves?
The next step to self-awareness is valuing yourself. This means making positive choices and cultivating quality relationships. When you know what you want, it is easier to see how your choices dictate the trajectory of your life.
If you want to break negative cycles and experience more fulfillment, you might need to consider some of the ways you invite the same kinds of people into your orbit, how you use negative habits or coping mechanisms to avoid taking risks, or how fear of the unknown might be keeping you from changing. Taking care of yourself means having an honest conversation about how you may be holding yourself back.
